It’s just over a week and a half on from Alex’s relapse and we’re in a funny place.
He hasn’t used since then.
The majority of life has returned to some form of normality, it has to when you have a six year old and a job to get to.
But a lot of damage has been done and there are still words left unspoken.
Alex is trying his best to show me that it was a one off and I’m not mistaken with choosing to try one more time.
I’m trying to deal with my anger and slowly break down the wall that I’ve put up between us. It will take time though and it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight.
Being the partner of an addict is hard work. It’s often about not completely letting your guard down and accepting that if they’re going to relapse they will, there’s very little you can do about it. It’s not your responsibility, that’s only down to them. But that doesn’t stop it from feeling like a punch in the gut when they do.
I think I was naive. Alex had been clean for so long and most relapses happen in the first few months and it hadn’t happened. Perhaps I thought it wouldn’t? But I’ve known and worked with enough addicts to know that relapse can happen at any time, no matter how long the sober period. Knowing it professionally and living it with your husband are two completely different things though.
I’ve been mulling over what needs to happen next. It’s clear that Alex needs more support than just his CPN, he’s made contact with the local drug and alcohol service. He’s tried them before but there’s always the chance that things will be different this time.He needs to look at his recovery differently too, make some actual changes rather staying in a safe bubble that pops every now and then. He needs to expand his world, with tiny baby steps as that’s a terrifying prospect for him but I don’t see how else life actually changes.
Or is that me trying to control the situation?
I need support. Not just from my two wonderful best friends, but support from people who know what it’s actually like. The only thing local to us is one Al-Anon meeting a week (the serious downside of rural living) but it’s got to be worth a try. I’m hoping writing this helps too, writing out my feelings, being honest about the functional dysfunction that comes from a marriage of addiction and mental health issues. I need to expand my world too, take more chances, not be so scared and accept that I can’t force Alex to do things or not do things.
But first I need to remember it’s not even been two weeks.
We need time.